The Rules of Poundland

1. If in doubt, buy it, it’s only a pound.

2. Do not call back later, it will be gone.
(See Rule Number 1.)

3. Do not expect anything purchased in Poundland to work.
(This applies especially to computer games.)

4. Never be optimistic.
(Do not go to Poundland expecting to find great things, you will be disappointed. The only thing you can be sure of finding in Poundland is the Linda Barker dvd.)

5. Do not presume to know how Poundland works.
(You may think that if you leave a long period of time between visits to Poundland then you will find the shelves stocked with lots of new stuff. This is not the case. You may also think that if you go on consecutive days then the stock will be the same, wrong again. Part of the wonder of Poundland is the way in which it mimics the formation of the universe. Everything is down to pure chance. The loonies who write to the Sentinel damning Darwin and reciting the Bible would do well to visit their local branch of Poundland, then they would see what a wonderland can be created by a throw of the dice. I am not suggesting a new religion here, such a thing would be akin to scientology and that, as we all know, belongs in the biggest black bin bag manufactured by the bloke in China. Neither am I saying that Jesus is behind Poundland. He is not. I have looked. All I’m saying is that chance is a fine thing.)

6. Do not be blinded by excitement.
(You may, on occasion, find items in Poundland which seem meant only for you. The resulting excitement may lead to a hasty purchase. Take a moment to reflect on whether you already possess a copy of said item at home, thus saving yourself a pound.)

7. If it’s got a magnet in it, buy it.

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Reasons to Shop at Poundland

1. Communism in Action!
(One has to admit that Communism has never really worked wherever it’s been tried. This is neither the time nor place to go into the reasons, but for a glimpse at what Karl Marx was getting at you need do nothing more than visit your local Poundland. Here, everything is the same price, there is no competition between the items on sale, all of which are well within the price range of the ordinary working (or not) man or woman. A visit to Poundland is an educational experience for all those studying political history.)

2. Emulate the Rich.
(This is how the rich people shop, with no worries about how much things cost, with no restraints. We should be grateful to Poundland for offering this insight into the lives of others.)

3. The Element of Surprise.
(Of course all retail outlets offer this. One can browse the Jazz Section in HMV and be pleasantly surprised when one comes across an Albert Ayler CD nestled amongst the Jamie Cullums.  However, the element of surprise is so much greater in Poundland because one’s expectations are far lower.)

4. No Fear of the Future.

(The little man who follows you around in other stores and notes your purchases, so that on your next visit you’ll find whatever you bought last time has now been reduced in price, is not employed in Poundland. Thus one can buy with confidence.)

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Things to Avoid in Poundland

1. Conversation.

2. Those mega packs of batteries.
(They won’t work. Maximum number is 4 AAAs or 6 AAs of some brand that you’ve seen before in proper shops.)

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The Pitfalls of Poundland

1. Never forget that Poundland is a commercial enterprise and as such abides by the rules of capitalism; i.e. the consumer is there merely to provide profit. Thus it is that many things, despite their apparent cheapness, can be purchased elsewhere for less than a pound. For example, the 4 hour videotapes that I buy from Poundland are obtainable for 99p a mere hundred yards up the road at Home Bargains. I could save a penny and get some exercise but I would prefer not to. Still, it is worth remembering that Poundland for all its glories is still engaged in the immortal struggle to rip people off in the same way as the rest of the retail industry. This is not a criticism of Poundland, this is just a statement of fact.

2. If one shops at Poundland on a regular basis then you can develop the "Poundland syndrome" which means that your other shopping experiences are tempered by the belief that whatever is on offer may one day turn up in Poundland. This condition is not fatal (Poundland is not in competition with Morrison's so your necessary supply of cheese and taters is not affected) and can actually have benefits (you will buy less and have more space in your house to move around in) but it can affect your quality of life. Sometimes carpe diem is the only way to go and you have to hope for the best.

3. No one will ever take anything back to Poundland because it only cost a pound and is  therefore not worth the bother. So Poundland is thus empowered by its customers to sell them any old rubbish.