Just thought I should mention here that not everything I buy is for me - the toys for example. I am just following orders.

Notes:

1. Last night I dreamt I went to Poundland again. It was pretty scary. They’d opened up the back of the shop and let it out to various traders, so what I thought were things I could buy for a pound, weren’t. I was thoroughly confused and left without buying anything - not even the requisite videotape. I should apologise. Other people’s dreams are always boring and I only mention it here because I don’t usually dream and this is the first time I’ve dreamed of Poundland. It has no significance whatsoever and Sigmund Freud was a fool.

Interim Report:

I watched Foolproof and it was quite good, so hats off to the imdb. Not as good as Congo, of course, but decidedly better than Death Proof.

Notes:

1. Poundland offers a glimpse of the future promised by Harold Wilson. A land where the main problem would be what we would do with our leisure time, for all the work would be done by machines and we would have jetpacks. Maybe that’s why Poundland seems full of bent old souls wandering the aisles and dreaming of the might have been. We all believed the lies, except the one about Lord Mountbatten being behind a military coup to oust Wilson from government, and in the end that was the only one that was true.

2. As well as the canvas and the paints there’s also the fishing rods. Poundland obviously want to see us all out there by the side of the babbling brook casting our lines or painting our pictures. I never really took to fishing as a nipper - dinner like getting the hook out of the fish’s lip and I conner do with maggots (although I hear there are some who have done the five years’ training and now work for the NHS). Then there’s the whole licensing business - can the fishermen of England just go down the canal and catch their dinner or do we have to have a permit? And then there’s the question of how long we’ll be permitted to hunt the fish, I’ve already had to hang up my hunting horn and stirrup cup.

You will notice that the bags I got this time were plain - no Poundland logo or slogan at all. Have they run out of proper
bags? Or is this a cost-cutting exercise, or maybe a marketing ploy? Perhaps some smart aleck down London has pointed out that toffs don’t like being seen walking round the streets with Poundland bags, hence this subtle, clean, new look to attract a more high-class clientele who read Henry James and watch Merchant-Ivory films.

Notes:

1. Don’t go to Poundland on your birthday. I was thinking of adding that to the general rules of Poundland but I’m not sure whether it only applies to me. If you go to Poundland on or around the time of your birthday expecting to find a special surprise, you will likely be disappointed. Examine, if you will, the logical basis of such an assumption. In order for Poundland to supply its individual customers with birthday surprises then the whole delivery system of the organisation would have to be geared to such a purpose. Imagine the size of that database! Why, it suggests that Mr. Poundland is as omniscient as the great Jehovah himself. More, it does raise questions of security and surveillance - how did Mr. Poundland get my date of birth? Or does he just work off the electoral register? Whatever his methods, one can easily perceive that as a system of belief this is up there with the idea that when we die we stick around our houses for eternity, just on the off chance that Derek Acorah may turn up and put us on telly. And yet, I always fall for it. Around my birthday time, I always make a trip to Poundland with the belief that I’ll get summat good and I am usually disappointed. However, this year Mr. Poundland got me a Robin Hood jigsaw, so maybe he is watching over us.

2. The recent BBC series of Robin Hood is perhaps the worst ever. Which is saying a lot, considering I’m including the curious Lithuanian series,The New Adventures of Robin Hood, starring Matthew Porretta and featuring ‘the beautiful lady warrior Marion’. Mistakes were made in the initital conception of the BBC’s Robin Hood - for example: getting rid of Friar Tuck in order to keep that pesky religion out of the picture so as not to offend anybody (trouble is, remove the Church from Robin Hood and you lose half of your storylines, which is probably why they ended up killing Maid Marian), going with Alan Rickman’s pantomime villain stylings for the Sheriff, and borrowing some of the costumes from the Lithuanian series. They also don’t let Alan a Dale bring along his lute to cheer up the merrie men a bit and I will never forgive them for killing Roger of Stoke, one of the most beloved characters in all medieval literature. However, despite all this, the legend of Robin Hood is strong enough to stand up to any messing with, and so the series still remains watchable - unlike Dr. Who.

Interim Report:

I did the jigsaw. It is not the best example of the jigsaw maker’s craft, although I’m not sure how much the jigsaw maker is to blame. When dealing with a dark version of the Robin Hood legend (and the arbitrary elimination of both Maid Marian and Roger of Stoke is a good indication of its crepuscular style) one should be aware that too many shadows mean a box full of indistinguishable black pieces. Still, I did it, as evidenced by the photo on the right.

I’ve been meaning to add a note about the photos on this site. They probably look like they were taken with a camera purchased at Poundland but this is not the case. The only cameras on sale in Poundland are those disposable jobs which one then has to pay for processing thus negating any bargain element. One day I expect Poundland to sell digital cameras (probably powered by a USB connection, since as well as the hoover they are now selling massage balls and lava lamps) but until that day arrives I will use my own 10 quid digital camera which has no focus and no screen so it’s all a matter of luck whether you get any kind of reasonable photo at all. This seems in keeping with the spirit of Poundland.
However, for those occasions when a better image is required (such as the completed Robin Hood jigsaw image above) I will use a ‘proper’ camera.

Notes:

1. Somewhat of a flying visit this time since I had No. 2 son in tow. He believes that a strange force of attraction operates in Poundland and when one stops too long to peruse the items on display then the other Poundland shoppers will naturally gravitate towards one and attach themselves to your person (the image of Raquel Welch being attacked by white corpuscles in Fantastic Voyage springs to mind). Whether the end result of this is that you become overwhelmed by the others and merely suffocate, or are subsumed into their collective being, I do not know since we always take the safe option and run round the shop. At first I took this as a generational thing and paid it no heed, but on reflection I think there may be some logical basis to his perception of Poundland physics. I have noticed on my own leisurely trips round Poundland that when I stop in the DVD or toy sections, it will not be long until others appear shuffling behind me. And, for that matter, I have been guilty of the same offence, if some other shopper is already ensconced I will hover nearby until he or she (or sometimes it) is finished. I have always put this down to the popularity of those particular sections, they are, after all, the most interesting to me, so why not to others? However, I now have a theory that there are unseen forces at work akin to gravity. Because of the nature of Poundland and the search for surprises and unusual bargains, it is understandable that when one spots someone staring intently at some particular item in the shop that this would alert the attention of other shoppers, exciting, if you will, some atavistic urge within the collective unconscious and thus drawing them to the point of interest and engendering the crowd effect which is so distressing to No. 2 son. Whether this law of Poundland can be rendered in mathematical form and be submitted to the Royal Society for their approval, I do not know - I feel more work needs to be done in this area.

2. Although I am adept at physics having got my O level (at the second attempt), I can claim no such qualification in chemistry and I think that was the reason I got suckered into buying a volcano in a box. All I know of alchemy is that it involves chemicals, bunsen burners and magic, therefore when I saw the volcano and noted the warning that it contained “chemicals that may be harmful if misused” I thought it might be an exciting thing to “explore the erupting properties of volcanoes”. I was also taken with the picture on the cover which indicated that fire would be involved (a primary element I would have thought in the erupting properties) particularly since it was made in China where it was invented. So you get a sturdy plastic box which contains: a plastic
volcano, a syringe, a small beaker, two pieces of plastic tubing (not sure what the other piece is for), two sachets of Ein-O Lava Powder, a magnifying glass, a piece of
pumice, a map of the world showing where the volcanoes are (of use if you are a travelling man), and Ein-O’s I Know Guide. The guide starts well with much talk of chemicals and keeping them out of reach of children and adult supervision being required. However on page 4 there is a list of requirements for the “Volcano Rumble Kit”, the last of which is vinegar. At which point it dawns that this is the old vinegar and baking soda trick and no fire will be required. Bugger. The disappointment is compounded by a little stuck-in bit of paper which declares: “note: you need to get your own vinegar to perform the experiment.”

So we did, and the results were filmed and should be available soon on youtube.

As for the pumice: you drop it in the little beaker of water and it floats! A veritable wonder of nature.

You will notice that York Poundland is still using bags with slogans. Does this indicate a certain snobbishness in the people of Newcastle-under-
Lyme (surely not!), or is it merely a question of bag logistics?

Notes:

1. Since my ‘local’ Poundland is not very ‘local’ (about five miles away) I took this opportunity to test the validity of the Fifth Rule of Poundland by visiting the York branch on consecutive days. Of course the experiment was flawed - if one sets out with the intention of visiting the shop in expectation of dramatic changes in the stock, one will be invariably disappointed, but the flaw in the experiment becomes its proof - one cannot presume to know how Poundland works. I did notice a few slight changes in the DVD section but nothing to trouble my pocket. However I did buy the fake stone Buddha head, which I had seen the day before.

2. Some things in Poundland strike one as so incongruous that they do not fit into the Rejected Item category. One notices them because of their very incongruity but it takes time for their true potential to percolate in the brain. The fake stone Buddha head was in the Gardening Section - which I tend to walk straight past since I do not like gardening. The reason I do not like gardening is that you can be standing there quite innocently, contemplating the green stuff and calculating how long you can avoid doing anything to it, when you look down and crawling up your shirt sleeve is some hideous beast straight out of a Hieronymus Bosch painting. The garden is an unnerving place. A realm of strange creatures which have no discernible role in civilised society, and I’m not just referring to the giant hedgehog who lives in the shed. Another reason I don’t like gardening is I don’t understand the rules. I don’t understand why a lawn full of dandelions is not a thing of beauty, why “when on my couch I lie in vacant or in pensive mood” I’m not allowed to dance with the dandelions. Who makes these rules? Is it Alan Titchmarsh? Where does he find the time? Anyway, the fake stone Buddha head was in the Gardening Section alongside the giant frogs and gnomes. This demotion of one of the great spiritual leaders of all time to the rank of garden ornament is a triumph for the secularist movement and one wonders whether the other great religious teachers will follow - Jesus in his many guises, L. Ron Hubbard, perhaps. Of course, it could be that the bloke in China who supplies Poundland with fake stone Buddha heads is following some Party Directive to undermine the Tibetan cause in light of the forthcoming Olympics. Still, I bought the fake stone Buddha head, and was surprised when the girl on the till carefully wrapped it in a piece of paper. I don’t know whether she did this out of respect for Buddha, or whether it indicated the fragility of the item, or whether it was just the native charm of the people of York. So, what are my plans for the fake stone Buddha head? I did have an idea for buying up the entire stock of fake stone Buddha heads and recreating Angkor Wat in the back garden, but that’s the sort of thing that attracts the attention of ‘Midlands Today’ and one wouldn’t want that. Next on the list was a film of Shelley’s Ozymandias featuring the fake stone Buddha head and some little men (not midgets, merely little models of men) but this would also involve buying some sand and doing animation type things, so, although the film has been greenlit I will cut some corners to bring it in on budget. Finally, since I can’t work out what the fake stone Buddha head is made of (I guessed resin, but when struck it has a metallic ring) I thought it might be interesting to see how it reacts to the elements over time. So I will be placing it in its natural garden setting and will take photos periodically to see how it changes with the seasons and the effects of its interaction with the flora and fauna of my garden. It will be no match for the giant hedgehog who lives in the shed, though, and will have to be secured in some way. This experiment will take a year at least, before I can make the resulting animation - Ozymandias hopefully will be released much sooner.

Nice to see the logos back on the bags of the Newcastle branch. Say it loud: I’m poor and I’m proud.

Notes:

1. An emergency visit since I’d run out of the means of making fire. I had to buy the electronic kind since that was all that was on offer. I’m not averse to progress but I do prefer the old style lighter with the little wheel. They seem to work better and the physical effort involved does remind one of the great sacrifices made by Prometheus on our behalf.

2. Star Trek VI was probably a mistake. Not because it’s bad but the reverse. It’s one of the even numbered ‘Star Trek’ films and so I should really buy a proper copy with all the extras, but instead I followed the First Rule. It’s come off a comic - stamped ‘not to be sold separately’ - one of those ‘partworks’ where you can take out a second mortgage and buy the entire ‘Star Trek’ oeuvre for the next fifty years, one week at a time. There were also odd DVDs from the original series and ‘Next Generation’, plus ‘C.S.I.’ and ‘Stargate’. Just one of each though, many copies of the same one, which makes you wonder whether that was where everybody decided the enterprise was fruitless and it was time to cancel their subscription. I admit to having a fleeting moment of madness and entertaining the thought that maybe one could acquire the entire ‘Star Trek’ collection by popping into Poundland at regular intervals and buying one at a
time. This would be an obvious breach of the Fourth and Fifth Rules, besides straining the bounds of synchronicity to breaking point. I also wondered what happened to the previously attached comics. Were they recycleable, whereas the DVDs in their plastic cases were not? And, also, will we one day see the shelves of Poundland full of random pieces of the Flying Scotsman and HMS Victory?

Good to see the proper lighters with the little wheel back in
stock. This time you get 12 for a pound which makes me think that if you want a good indicator of the state of the economy and the global recession don’t use fag lighters.

Notes:

1. Quite an eclectic selection this time. We have a problem with mice - or at least a problem with a cat (William) who doesn’t understand the basic concept of rodent control (you’re supposed to keep the house free from mice, not go outside, bring them in and then drop them somewhere so that they can run off and hide under things and keep us up till three in the morning trying various Acme contraptions to catch them in a humane manner). Hence, the mousetrap - humane be damned. Along the bottom of the packet is a line of illustrations starting with a mouse followed by various insects and arachnids - these are all the same size and there is no explanatory note regarding scale - it’s a bit worrying. Then again I now have the means to trap such monsters.

2. Epoch was a bit of a gamble. I found it among the PC games and I had to check the cover a few times to work out whether it was a film. The danger with buying science fiction DVDs from Poundland is that you can end up with a moonbase film - which tend to be people moaning in a shed. I took a chance on Epoch because it seemed to have people in it - David Keith (not to be confused with Keith David, although he frequently is, by me at least), Brian Thompson, Craig Wasson and Ryan O’Neal - and it said “starring Stephanie Niznik”. True, choosing films on the basis of actors with funny names is not recommended. I once bought a ninja film because it starred Ross Kettle, which I found amusing. It was not good, apart from one bizarre sequence featuring ninjas on roller skates. Still, it was more interesting than The Assassination of Jesse James by blahdy blahdy blah. Epoch turned out to be rather good, at least the concept was fairly original and although it suffered from cheap cgi there were some nicely written scenes and an indication that there was an intelligence at work behind it all.

3. And talking of ninjas, yes, I did buy the Ninja Telephone. It was at the urging of No. 2 son (who is adept in the ways of the ninja), but now we don’t know whether to take it out of its packaging, when it will cease to be a Ninja Telephone and become just another crappy toy. It’s a bit like Schrödinger’s Cat, which I bet would be a lot less contrary than William.

Le mouse est mort. I was a bit previous with my condemnation of the Poundland mousetrap. After the little bastard brought down the kitchen blind again we acquired one of the old- fashioned mousetraps but he’d obviously got a picture of that on his mousetrap identification chart and ignored it completely. So one night we set them both in order to confuse him and he skipped over the old and fell right into the new. I would have posted pictures but it was not a pretty sight and we all felt guilty and somewhat ashamed. Still, as the man said, war is hell.

I was going to retire the cheap little camera this time since it takes so long to get a useable picture, then it produced this low-angle shot which I thought was quite good. Still, for the full glory of Code Lyoko (no idea) I used a proper camera.

Notes:

1. If gardening is the worst thing about the summer, then ‘doing jobs around the house’ comes a close second. When icicles hang by the wall and Dick the shepherd blows his nail you can get away with lazy afternoons watching Audie Murphy films, but when the sun has got his bloody hat on we are forced to don the paint-stained motley and do some decorating. One of the main things involved in decorating is filling in holes, hence the sealant. My favourite passage in the Tao te ching by Lao Tzu is:

“Thirty spokes
Share one hub.
Adapt the nothing therein to the purpose in hand, and you will have the use of the cart. Knead clay in order to make a vessel. Adapt the nothing therein to the purpose in hand, and you will have the use of the vessel. Cut out doors and windows in order to make a room. Adapt the nothing therein to the purpose in hand, and you will have the use of the room.
Thus what we gain is Something, yet it is by virtue of Nothing that this can be put to
use.”

Presumably there wasn’t a Mrs. Tzu hovering over him with a tub of tetrion.

2. Code Lyoko - no idea.

3. The Last Line of Defense (an elite force ... an alien enemy ... an impossible
deadline). Starring Olivier Gruner (not be to confused with Oliver Grunier, who does not exist) and Brad Dourif (one of those mad actors who is always good value, his list of credits on the back of the box misses out his greatest mad performance (9.9 on the Kinski scale) in John Huston’s Wise Blood). M. Gruner’s finest work is Albert Pyun’s Nemesis, which for some reason never makes it into those lists of the hundred bestest films ever - which it should. I watched the trailer - an alien crashes his spaceship due to some bad cgi and lands in what looks like an old cowboy town film set where explosions then take place. In last Sunday’s Observer there was a feature on a new renaissance in British cinema and of the half-dozen films mentioned, not one seemed to have any possibility of explosions, since they were all of the moany genre, which we seem to do so well. (Note to Shane Meadows - do a film where you have a little kid wandering round moaning a lot and then blow him up.) Anyway I thought I spotted the great Ernie Hudson shouting at a computer screen, so I checked imdb and there he is! Apparently, The Last Line of Defense was made in 1999 and has gone by many titles: Interceptors, Interceptor Force, Alien Interceptors, Comandos, Força de Elite, Fuerza de choque and Predator 3: Intercepters. It is directed by Phillip J. Roth (presumably no relation) who also produced Epoch, which I bought last time, and imdb gives it 3.6, with the customary ‘One of the worst movies ever made’ on the message board. We shall see.